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This is the fifth post in a series by Pastor Kyla, highlighting small and simple steps that, by God's grace, help us develop spiritually healthy families.

We have all heard the expression used. “Oh, thank you. You were my last resort.” I think the intention behind the comment is to show deep gratitude for having helped in a situation that was nearing the end of options. However, whenever I hear it offered, I often wonder to myself how much better it would be to be someone's first resort. 

As parents, we don't want to be our child's place of last resort. Instead, we want to be building the kind of trust and openness in our relationship that seals our position as a place of first resort. We want to be the first person our youngster seeks out to help them when they have a hard day at school. We want to be the first person our preteen asks for thoughts on healthy sexuality. We want to be the first person our grown child looks to for advice on financial planning. Even when we are not the experts on any given subject, as parents we want to provide a safe harbour for our children at every stage to wonder, explore ideas, and consider options.

So how do we become a source of help our kids will turn to first? I think being a parent of first resort has at least two implications:

1) Be an active offerer of support.

It is not enough to simply say “I'm here, come ask if you need anything.” For our children to feel safe to seek our assistance, it will require that they have enjoyed the offering of our assistance before. In young children this can be as simple as offering to help them as they make their bed. It can mean that when your toddler resists help (as they are highly prone to do) that you gently chime in with “I see you can do so many things by yourself. Remember it is okay to ask for help if you need it.” 

Being an active offerer of support can also look like taking the initiative around tough topics to talk about. It can mean intentionally bringing up a difficult news story at the dinner table to share what you understand to be true in a simple, clear manner. It can mean taking the time to hear feelings and reactions to such discussions. It can mean guarding our reactions, so as not to let our emotions signal to our children that they would have been better to have sought answers elsewhere. 

Being an active offerer of support means that you hold as the most important quality in your child simply their presence in your life. It means putting their worth squarely on who they are, and not merely on what they do or accomplish. In the times when kids need help, it will most likely be when they feel they have disappointed themselves, and likely you too. Work actively to remind your child that even though you may be disappointed in their actions, you will always love them. I can remember telling my children that in coming to me for help they may still need to face some consequences – but they will not have to face them alone. I will always love them.

Finally, being an active offerer of support means that you offer support - but do not take over. Our children need failure to grow. Our kids need to trust we will help, but also learn that we trust them to do many new and adventurous things on their own. Our kids do not need us to bail them out – they need to learn that we may have learned a few things about bailing that we are quite willing to pass on to them.

2) Know your own place of resort.

No parent can do this daunting task alone. Whether you have a partner or not – we will all face days when we need help. Parents who are sought out by their children for help will have modeled well for their children that they too seek out help in healthy places. When you turn to your own parents for advice, be open and transparent with your children about those interactions. When you turn to a trusted friend for a favour – be sure your kids see that support is a natural part of relationships. When you pray for God's wisdom and guidance – invite your kids to pray with you, that they may learn that their parents look to God first and they can too.

Being a superhero parent may not be the best way to invite kids to seek your help.  Your "perfection" could in fact steer them to look elsewhere due to feeling intimidated by your high standard.  Reveal gently to your children the places you feel vulnerable, and the measures you take to garner support - through prayer, through your faith family, through trusted friends.  Your kids don't need to see every flaw or crack in your armour - but they do need to see the armour you rely upon.  

Have you helped your child feel safe with their questions? Have you taken the initiative to start a difficult conversation? Have you shown your child the hope you have in finding a place of resort in Jesus? These are a few of the steps forward you can begin taking today.

About the Two Steps series: Pastor Kyla wants to encourage parents with this truth – two steps forward and one step back is still moving forward. Instead of dwelling on the losses, it is helpful to ensure your two steps forward are well paced, sure-footed, and abundantly fruitful. Match this intention with the abundant grace of our God, and parenting is transformed from something we “survive” to the means by which we find ourselves enjoying God's kingdom-life.